OMyWord: Overcoming Abuse

I met Lisa last September after we both participated in BlogCatalog 's End To Abuse. Lisa won first place for the post you can find here.


After realizing that people are continuing to find the post I did with my friend, Beth, I decided it was time to do an update. I wrote Lisa to ask for a comment which turned into her graciously agreeing to do this guest post.
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I was living in Laguna Beach, California in the late 80s, working my corporate job while unconsciously trying to connect with my deeper, hidden self. I tried to wear the requisite Dianne Feinstein 80s corporate dress...the grey long-skirt suit, the white curved-collar blouse, the dainty ribbon-bow tie, the definitely-not come-f***-me pumps. But, I failed. The lurking communist, artist, big bad girl in me kept popping out. Yellow spike heels. Orange linen suits. Cheesy Dollar-Store underwear. The fact that I chose to live in Laguna, versus Newport Beach, was telling. Newport was slick and Republican. Laguna was gay, artistic, Democratic.

But one day I was lured to Newport, by a friend of mine who wanted me to hear this new motivational speaker, Pat Allen. I felt I had to dress accordingly, before crossing that line from the trailer park in North Laguna to a bar on the Pacific Coast Highway unhappily if appropriately named The Quiet Woman (headless, of course) in Corona Del Mar, to the sterile, consumerist Rolls Roycean '80s champagne and caviar Robin Leach-ian shores of Newport's Fashion Island. So, I wore flip flops and raggedy jeans, with a white blouse to confuse the gendarmes. It was to be a gathering of acolytes to hear the message of the new crusader psychologist, Pat Allen. I had never heard of her, with my head buried deeply in the shifting sands of corporate America.

The room was packed. Hundreds of people. There were several people up on stage, some decidedly too hippieish for Newport Beach. One of whom, Jeri Kissler, a Jungian art therapist, was to become my life-long friend. Finally, Pat Allen stood at the podium, and her voice burned into me. She spoke of women and men and the archetypes deep inside of us. She spoke of the mystical roles each of us played in the evolution of humankind. She introduced me to Jungian psychology for the first time.

But Pat Allen wasn't simply esoteric. She was practical, infinitely practical. There was much too much abuse in the world, perpetrated upon us by others, and by ourselves. If we are to evolve, it must stop. How? We all, all of us, every one of us, every single one of us in the room, must commit to play our given roles, to become conscious. We cannot shirk. Pat won't let us. She would find us, and know. (At least I was thinking this, being perpetually guilty.) And so, all of us raised our hands, and repeated after her. I did it. Me, the person most resistant to joining any group movement. Me, the corporate lamb, imagining myself every day, as a wolf.

"Women!" she demanded our attention. "Raise your hands!" We did. "Repeat after me: I will never, ever, ever give anything to anybody, unless there is something in it for me."

The word "boundaries" has become a trendy psychobabble catch phrase. But it's the basis of potential abuse. As a woman, I grew up thinking I had no right to object. It was better to comply. In this inherently unsafe world, the first inevitable abuse breaks the boundaries, or pushes through where none had previously existed. The first breach can be small or catastrophic, but it can open up the floodgates and make abuse a lifestyle. What if we all asked ourselves this question before we nodded our assent, opened up our hearts, let the stranger in the door: "What's in it for me?" We could begin to define our boundaries. The ones we never had, or the ones we lost.

This is what Pat Allen taught me. It was not about selfishness. It was about self-fullness. It's about declaring our right to discernment, to choice, to existing as fully-formed, righteous human beings, solidly planted, with a right to exist on this planet, to take up space without apology, and express ourselves gloriously. To decide, after a moment - or even a year or more - of reflection, whether or not there is something in it, for us.



RESOURCES:

Emotional and verbal abuse


Psychological Abuse


Verbal abuse resources


What is abuse ?

Blogging Against Abuse: Verbal Abuse

Verbal abuse doesn't leave evidence comparable to the bruises of physical battering. You may suffer in silence and isolation.

"A victim is often the target of angry outbursts, sarcasm, or cool indifference. The abuser's reaction to these actions is frequently cloaked in a "What's wrong with you?" attitude. She is accused of "making a mountain out of a molehill." Over time she loses her balance and equilibrium and begins to wonder if she is the one who is crazy."

Margie: Edna, do you remember that couple who moved in down the street and we thought they were so nice? Dave and Hannah. You remember how he joked about her being dumb and said she couldn't balance a checkbook? Wasn't that really verbal abuse?

Edna: I do remember them, Margie, and I think you’re right. She never thought it was funny when he made his little “jokes”, did she? In fact, she always looked kind of sad and embarrassed.




Verbal abuse usually escalates, increasing in intensity, frequency, and variety. The verbal abuse may begin with put-downs disguised as jokes. Later other forms might surface.

Margie: I was reading a book and it made me think about them. He wasn't a nice man at all. I remember how he blamed her for everything. One day he told her that she was a " stupid child." Remember?

Edna: I do, and I was so surprised. No adult should talk to another adult that way, especially to someone they’re supposed to love and respect.

1. Verbal abuse may be overt (through angry outbursts and name- calling) or covert (involving very subtle comments, even something that approaches brainwashing). Overt verbal abuse is usually blaming and accusatory, and consequently confusing to the partner. Covert verbal abuse, which is hidden aggression, is even more confusing to the partner. Its aim is to control her without her knowing.

Margie: I also remember that day when you took them some of your Rhubarb pie. Remember he said Hannah "cooks like a chef?" I just thought about his tone of voice. He meant the opposite didn't he?

Edna: Yes, I think he was being sarcastic, but at Hannah’s expense. I remember too thinking about how he would feel if someone said something like that about him.

2.Verbal abuse is manipulative and controlling. Even disparaging comments may be voiced in an extremely sincere and concerned way. But the goal is to control and manipulate.

Margie: Do you think he was worse when we weren't around?

Edna: I’m afraid that he probably was worse to her in private. That way, he didn’t have to worry about what anyone else thought of his comments.

You know, sometimes when you love someone and you’re used to how they talk to you, you don’t always notice when they’re being intentionally mean to you. Margie, you and I are sometimes crabby with each other, but I would never try to manipulate you. And certainly not by putting you down, I love and respect you too much to do that to you. I would never want anyone to try that with me, either.

3. Verbal abuse usually escalates, increasing in intensity, frequency, and variety. The verbal abuse may begin with put-downs disguised as jokes though other forms may surface later.


Where to turn for help if you find yourself the victim of verbal abuse or other form of domestic violence:

For emergency help: Call 911 immediately if you think you are in imminent danger of domestic violence, or have already been hurt.

For advice and support: Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE). Additional contacts for the hotline:
Help through email: ndvh@ndvh.org
Help for the hearing-impaired: 1-800-787-3224 (TTY) or deafhelp@ndvh.org

National Health Resource Center on Domestic Violence
888-RX-ABUSE
http://www.endabuse.org/health

For a safe place to stay: If you need a safe shelter from domestic violence, call your state’s branch of the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. To find your state’s hotline number, go here.

http://www.verbalabuse.com/faq.shtml

http://www.leaderu.com/orgs/probe/docs/verbalabuse.html

http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/abusiverelationships/f/verba_abuse.htm

http://www.ncadv.org/donate.php

http://endabuse.org/about/